I get a lot of questions from both male and female friends/coworkers and family about my love life, and some want to know specifically why I am single, with so many available ladies out there. In some ways I take it as a compliment. Implicit in the question however is that being married is the ideal state of affairs we should all desire. I first want to disabuse the reader of this misleading and self-defeating notion that marriage is the proverbial Garden of Eden and being single is akin to Purgatory, or that marriage symbolizes success, while living single constitutes failure. Plenty of people, for whatever reasons, live wonderful and enriching lives without ever tying the knot. And we all are privy to statistics of those who get divorced, and personal accounts of the legions who are "stuck" in relationships they hate but choose to suffer through because they either fear being alone or are sacrificing personal freedom and happiness for kids. If we are honest, we see in most other relationships that marriage ain't all it's cracked up to be. Who cares what I think? Some have suggested that I jot down my thoughts on this subject. So, hopefully you will understand one perspective, and another I attached at the end.
I began to wonder whether I just enjoy living the single life, or am I afraid of commitment? No, I am not the playboy Don Juan in his mid-30s, lurking and surfing the New York City club circuit every weekend, buying drinks for women with ulterior motives hoping for a quick score. My apartment is not a revolving door for the ladies, never has been never will be. After a long term relationship, I took a 1.5-year sabbatical from relationships altogether - many call it celibacy. What a beautiful struggle but this is not the focus of my post. After the sabbatical, I found myself openly "dating" more than one woman for the first time as an adult a couple years ago, not focusing on the physical. Needless to say, my introduction to dating as a working man in NYC was overwhelming and awkward. Dating while also engaging in extracurricular activities very regularly, proved to be a bad idea and not my style in the end. I had less time for myself, less time for women, and was accused of "double-booking" once. And it felt, although I was honest with them all, like I was cheating myself and others so that had to stop.
That experiment taught me several things about myself. I have proven too willing to stay in a relationship when parting ways is best. As a result, I decided not to get married or start a relationship just to avoid being single and all the stigma that being single attaches. I promised myself that I would start a relationship only with someone I knew would represent me well, and vice versa, and who could be a good mother and friend. The challenge would be how to find that person. And what a NYC challenge it is, once you decide to start "shopping". In the city some want relationship FAST like McDs or those tasty Burger King chicken wraps Mary J. Blige felt the need to recently promote. Gotta be deliberate in this town. I do wonder how much time all women have spent just being single. Beware the Relationship Jumpers!!
I enjoy being single, unattached and I also embrace the idea of sharing my time and space with the right person. I used to be almost deathly afraid of choosing the wrong woman. But fear no longer controls. I have been somewhat stressed at times and very busy (you never know what someone is going through. It is NOT always about YOU if things go south- a lesson I have come to appreciate). Or maybe I am running away, keeping women at a comfortable distance? No, I think it is more simple. So far, I have had no intention to find that "special someone", more to find a relatively sane woman I can simply like and...wait for it...GET ALONG WITH. Imagine that! So my excuse is I have been looking without committing, searching without settling - a deliberate process I think all people should undergo. And do not force it. Dating can be a harrowing, draining, annoying experience. I refuse to be bothered.
For me, the path must be easy-breezy, no stress. In this land of quick and conspicuous consumption, in this concrete jungle where many women's souls have been turned ice cold, I will be deliberate. I am more interested in a woman's mental space, whether she has taken steps to address any deep-seated issues from childhood or gotten over that last boyfriend, for example. I cannot ask of my potential wife or lady-friend something that I do not ask of myself. I am building a stronger me, for a potentially stronger we, and it matters a lot to me who she be, you see?
If divorce in my community and in the country generally has reached epidemic proportions, why would I do the same things they did and expect NOT the same results? We need a paradigm shift. Expectations many have, some largely superficial, may need to be put on the back burner as a person's heart and soul should really be the only measure for compatibility. I know there are plenty of queens out there as well and I salute those ladies with all my heart.
Also, check out this interview between two friends from college, the interviewed friend, Duke, is approaching 40yrs, who is also single and has words to share, along with NCAA talk at the beginning. Great Show Shereem!! Take care!! http://www.blogtalkradio.com/everythingmanradio/2012/03/16/basketball-frenzy-and-a-single-man-on-the-cusp-of-40#.T2TEVbLu-B0.facebook
